Old memories

I don't know why I'm depressed.
I should be very happy right now, but I'm not.
The memories eat at me every night.
The nightmares.

I had two important people leave my life.
It hurts like a bitch still.
I half expected it to not be real.
The events of May and June were horrible.
Typically Summer is my happiest season.
I guess this year is different.

I spoke to an old friend not too long ago
Something he said kind of stuck.
I asked about how we drifted.
I guess its one of those "Things happen" type of deals

I used to be so happy to get online.
I had my own little family
Its so strange to think how we all used to be so close
Some of us just took different paths in life
Having children
Parties
Drugs
College
And to think it doesn't feel like too long ago we had all just entered High School

I think about the past a lot
I have a bad habit of not wanting change.
I want things to be like they were before
They never will be.

It seems like every day I think of a new person from my past and how they're doing.
The most recent was Johnny.
I wonder if hes still alive or if hes doing well.

Every time I think about my past it hurts a lot.
I did everything I could to not be selfish
I had always put everyone else's feelings before my own
Sure, there were times I was selfish, but everyone deserves to be number one sometimes

I was hurt.
I felt alone, I felt like I didn't matter to anyone
A lot of events happened that people don't know about
I guess its better that way

When I'm hurt I end up hurting others
Knowing how much I've hurt people because of my own pain is upsetting
I shouldn't have these thoughts
I should focus on the happiness in my life but its hard knowing that the people that I trusted
That were so close to me
I now mean little to nothing to them anymore

Sometimes I imagine getting that late night phone call from an unsaved number
Anyone's number
But I know it won't happen
I need to rest

Thank God for pain killers.