Old memories

I don't know why I'm depressed.
I should be very happy right now, but I'm not.
The memories eat at me every night.
The nightmares.

I had two important people leave my life.
It hurts like a bitch still.
I half expected it to not be real.
The events of May and June were horrible.
Typically Summer is my happiest season.
I guess this year is different.

I spoke to an old friend not too long ago
Something he said kind of stuck.
I asked about how we drifted.
I guess its one of those "Things happen" type of deals

I used to be so happy to get online.
I had my own little family
Its so strange to think how we all used to be so close
Some of us just took different paths in life
Having children
Parties
Drugs
College
And to think it doesn't feel like too long ago we had all just entered High School

I think about the past a lot
I have a bad habit of not wanting change.
I want things to be like they were before
They never will be.

It seems like every day I think of a new person from my past and how they're doing.
The most recent was Johnny.
I wonder if hes still alive or if hes doing well.

Every time I think about my past it hurts a lot.
I did everything I could to not be selfish
I had always put everyone else's feelings before my own
Sure, there were times I was selfish, but everyone deserves to be number one sometimes

I was hurt.
I felt alone, I felt like I didn't matter to anyone
A lot of events happened that people don't know about
I guess its better that way

When I'm hurt I end up hurting others
Knowing how much I've hurt people because of my own pain is upsetting
I shouldn't have these thoughts
I should focus on the happiness in my life but its hard knowing that the people that I trusted
That were so close to me
I now mean little to nothing to them anymore

Sometimes I imagine getting that late night phone call from an unsaved number
Anyone's number
But I know it won't happen
I need to rest

Thank God for pain killers.

Emotions

I've reached a point where I don't think I can handle anymore lies. I've been lied too and used more than I'd like to admit.  I found out who my friends were,  who has some what of common sense,  who actually gives a damn.  Sometimes it hurts you know? You trust and put your all into someone.. And they just throw it away.  I think it'll be okay now.  I am pushing the negatives out of my life.  I am finally happy and free...sure a little stressed but God.  I haven't been  this happy ❤

You're the sweetest posion

Everything is killing me on the inside. I fell for someone who fell for someone else. I sit here and think over and over to myself its not the same. Hes different. This is different. I'm different. But is it really? What is really going to come of this? It sounds like a bunch of high school bull shit drama. You can't give your heart to someone when someone else has it, and boy do I know that. Even today I still find it hard to fully give my heart to someone. Hes the only guy who I have been able to even almost give my heart too. I needed more information first...and I got that information. Thank god I backed off. I know he said not to back off emotionally but I'm not going to get hurt again. He is not going to destroy me. Period.

Some may ask, why I'm still with him? Well, I love him. There really isn't any other explanation for it. I trust him with everything but my heart. He makes me happy but he can also kill me. Hes the sweetest poison I've ever tasted, and its slowly killing me.

Confusion?

No matter what I do I can't stop thinking. 
I remember everything in detail. 
The times I've gotten yelled at,  punished,  and even hit. 
I remember everything.
I wish I could forget.  I wish i didn't have these dreams.
The words people said.  The lies.
Everyone lies to get what they want. It's human. I can't stand liars anymore.

I wanted to escape so many times.  I tried drowning.  I tried sleeping pills .  I just wanted out.  I can't stand the words I keep hearing every single day.  That I'll never be good enough.  I'll be the other person.  That someone is out to get me.  That I'm going to die alone.  I can't stand to hear it anymore.  Yet... I'm still here.

I'm trying to protect my heart.  I'm doing all I can yet you can't protect yourself from everything.  Love is one thing.  I guess I could pretend not too.  I've tried.  I tried to cling onto someone else but it didn't work.

A Glimpse at my childhood and why we should monitor our children on the Internet **TRIGGER WARNING**

When I was a child, my family was completely technology based.

Everyone had their own computer, we all used the computer, and typically everyone was connected.

The first time I remember being on the computer was first grade. 

I would play games on the computer, and even download music.

When I was younger, I was in love with Barbie. 

So, I decided to download a "Barbie Movie"

Turns out, it was not a "Barbie Movie" at all. 

Luckily, my parents deleted it before I seen it.

Lets move forward a couple of years:

I turned Ten years old, and I had a computer in my room.
I started to actually discover the Internet, and learn so many things.

Things I honestly regret knowing, and things that could have saved me a lot of trouble.

I met on an online game people from all over the states. 

I met one particular person, lets call her E.

Everything about her was perfect. 

The way she spoke, the way her smile was so bright, her humor, how sweet she was, everything just seemed to be so perfect.

In her world, it wasn't.

Everyone has a tale, but hers was full of things I never really understood at that age such as rape, abuse, suicide, self injury, alcoholism, and drugs.

I moved around a lot so I never really picked up on any of those topics within school. 

One day, we got onto the subject of Self - Injury. 

I asked her if it really helped. If it was safe.

She said it was fine just don't cut along the veins.

My tale at that age was not quite as rough as hers. She was also thirteen years old at the time.

My dad was an alcoholic. He drank almost every night, and my brother drank as well. 

My sister is autistic so she was more of the "favorite" child.

If I did anything to upset her, my dad would angry. 

Obviously I did everything to avoid this from happening. At least, the most that I could.

For the most part it wasn't that bad. He had done this since I was 9 years old. 

Probably earlier than that, but that's as far as I can remember. 

I didn't really have a lot of friends. I was in six grade at the time.

I spent recess alone against the wall, usually reading a book.

And the girl I fell in love with, E. , led me on.

My first encounter with self-injury was scissor burns. It didn't really affect me much. 

One night I finally broke down. I cut up my flute case. My parents were concerned, and just got mad about it. I figured they would.

While I was in band, a piece of my Flute case fell off. A piece that looks like a mini razor blade. I kept it in a small DS case. 

E. and I still talked a lot. We became very close, and I wanted to be with her more than anything.

Yet, I wasn't good enough. (Years later I found out its because she didn't think dating girls was right)

 One day when my father got very angry at me, I snapped. 

I took out my mini razor blade and started.

It was small little lines, nothing too big.

I was talking with someone at the time (who I later found to be a pedophile) and he said that it always starts out that way. Then, you get obsessed and start doing it more. Deeper, longer cuts. I didn't believe him at all. That wouldn't happen.

My family system wasn't the greatest, my best friend was abusive, and most of my life existed online. I read a lot, I wrote a lot, and I played a lot of games. That's what I did.

At the same time of discovering self-injury I also discovered my entire body.

I went on one of the popular social media sites myyearbook (now known as meetme).

When you type in "Story" you got a lot of results none that were PG 13.

It was all erotica. All of it. Badly written erotica. 

Now 10 year old me was curious, and read through the stories.

And read

and read

and read.

To the point where I actually enjoyed reading the stories. 

They were rough stories. Mostly about kidnap, bondage, bdsm type stuff.

I found it different and interesting.

My nightly pattern changed. 

The only thing that kept me feeling o.k was my pattern.

Every night, I ended up discovering myself, and that became my new addiction. 

It got to the point where it was twice every night until I was in such pain it was unbearable. Then I'd fall asleep

Two addictions right there could have never happened. 

My first heart break would have happened later in life.

I would not have discovered such sexual acts at such a young age.

And  I would not have been talking to creepy strangers over the Internet.

Don't get me wrong, I have met a lot of good people from the Internet. A lot of who I'm still very close too. I've also met some bad people that have done a lot of things I wish had not have happened. 

Monitoring your  child's online usage not only helps prevent them from learning things they shouldn't at younger ages, but it also gives you a chance to know what they are having questions about.